Football is the new game for hipsters.
We all love it, it has fancy and expensive jerseys, hot handsome players, and a lot of beer around it – we are bound to love it.
Moreover, the fact that it is nothing like what’s depicted in Bollywood movies is the biggest incentive yet for you to become a footie fanatic.
The Euros are on, and one person I know is supporting Argentina, and the other one believes Manchester United will win it because they now have an arrogant but effective manager.
A third has actually put a bet on Brazil for the finals. Bet he’s hoping for Pele to play a one-two with Maradona before slotting in the winner.
If there were ever a stupid contest conducted, we’ve found ourselves the top 3 contenders already.
The point is, the concept of being hipster has taken over our brains to an extent where we do anything and everything to seem ‘cool’; and in the process of being cool, we are making a mockery of ourselves.
So, to save you some embarrassment, we are giving you a guide on how to fake your football knowledge this summer.
Before we go forward: always use us or us to talk about your team. There is no I in Football. GEDDIT?
The Pressure of Being A Football Fan
Being a football fan, here are a few pressure points
Select A-Team
Very important, I tell you! Don’t select just any team. Select a cool-ass team like Germany or France, cuz honestly England can’t do shit and yes Beckham retired years ago!
There is no way you can support England with people constantly asking you why on Earth did Roy put on Sterling when Rooney was perfectly pulling strings in the match against Russia.
Germany is a cool team. Germans are very cool – exactly like their beer. Uhm! So, Germany has won the World Cup and has a very good chance to win.
Their key players are the frog-looking Ozil, pretty-looking Gotze, and the guy you saw filing his nails against Ukraine – Manuel Neuer.
All in all, if all else fails, just say you’re rooting for Germany and there won’t be many questions asked.
However, if you want to be more hipster, support Wales. They have Gareth motherfucking Bale!
Follow Your Facebook and Twitter Timeline
It is 1 AM, and you are surfing through the Internet, and you see the cool guy posting about Payet’s goal. Don’t wait! Post about it!
Watch the video maybe; see which team he plays for and do whatever the cool kids are doing.
They are happy, you are happy. They are sad, you better be sad. They go mad, go mad like there is no tomorrow! Ctrl C + Ctrl V was created for nights like these.
Use The Football Slangs
This is tricky, okay? You just can’t do it like this, you’d need to read a bit, and understand a little textbook to do this.
Let me help-
If your team is fighting hard to gain possession ( get the ball ) but is unsuccessful at it,
You say: Throw in some cuss words, show some frustration, just pretend like you’re a 90s kid and the FTV channel has been interrupted ( and this is textbook )
Your team has won a corner.
You say: Nahi jaaega, angle theek nahi hai. Basically, imagine a 100 rupee note has fallen under your bed and you’re guiding your friend on how to pick it up. A little to the left, a little to the right, go further etc, etc.
Your player kicks the ball in the air, and it takes a lot of time and doesn’t land on the right foot.
You say: Come on! Saala chutiya Beckham samajhta hai apne aap ko!
Your team scores.
You say {and do}: GOAAAALLLLLL!!! YAYAYYYY!! *BREAK A FEW TABLE* *STAND ON THE CHAIR* *GO MONKEY*, start Punjabi songs in the background, and pretend it’s your best friend’s wedding because anything goes after this point.
Attend Screenings
Grab a beer, and stare at the TV screen. Once in a while, show some emotion. The rest of the time, pretend to give attention. No one will care. And you have your job done.
Also, don’t bring up John Abraham’s footballing skills in the movie Dhana Dhan Goal and you’re already half a winner.
However, don’t forget to say, tough match, the opposite team was very solid and blah blah blah and please don’t lose the line “In the end, football was the real winner” because there is no such thing when it comes to competitive football.
You win some, and you provide excuses for not winning some.
