Apparently, the football premier league (purposely spelled without capital initials to register my disgust) kicked off last Saturday.
I know it happened when the number of RT if you cried tweets on my timeline went down drastically; to make way for Mohamed Salah (the Egyptian footballer from Liverpool) is GOD tweets.
I am not much of a football fan, which makes me a sports fans’ community outcast.
The rule of thumb is if you are not following football, you deserve a thumb in your ass.
My failure to understand football does not disappoint me half as much as my failure to understand this compulsive obsession with football does.
I Hate Football and I Am Not A Terrorist
See, I have no problem with football (fancy people call it soccer, exactly like feta is a fancy name for goat cheese) per se. I have no problem with football fans either.
My complaint is with this elite supremacy football fans think they seem to have over any other fans.
I was treated as an untouchable throughout 3 years of college just because I watched a Gloucestershire vs. Warwickshire cricket match ahead of some Liverpool vs. Lungpool playoff shit.
Football, as a sport, has the largest following in the world. And I know by not being in the loop, I am missing out on a lot of action.
But it is a decision I have taken, and I expect people to if not respect, at least accept that.
In a perfect world, people would. Even in an imperfect world, I know a few Golf and Basketball fans, who have been comfortable with the fact that I don’t understand/follow/watch/celebrate their game.
The moment a football fan comes to know you don’t enjoy football; he will look down upon you as if you just returned home after raping a bunch of penguins on the Arctic Pole.
This ostracism hurts even more if you are a cricket fan.
As a cricket fan, you anyway are the lowest denominator in the sports fans’ community.
So when I tell someone I hate football but love cricket, I am not just raping penguins on the Arctic Pole, I am also getting them pregnant and disowning the child.
This snobbery business by football once forced me to follow the English Premier League (some tell me it’s not English anymore and is called Barclays Premier League, so BPL, so Bangladesh Premier League, so Below the Poverty Line, so the joke is on you guys).
As a starting point, I became a Blackburn Rovers fan. Venky’s, that meat giant from India, had just bought over the club and I thought since I ate Venky’s chicken a lot, this is the team I should support.
Turned out, Blackburn is the Delhi Daredevils of EPL.
Much later turned out, Delhi Daredevils was actually the Blackburn of IPL; which is baffling because, for an average American, the Detroit Pistons are the Delhi and Blackburn of basketball.
Football fans don’t even realize what a giant pain in the ass they are being when they pull off this arrogant lunkheadery.
Neither do they realize what Grade A chimps they come across as when they wear their favorite team’s jersey and comment on why a certain buy or transfer was a foolish decision on the club’s part.
Even while a match is on, they want the players on TV to play their way “Pass it Pass it jackass!” without realizing that their own biggest achievement in life is going to Pyaasa Restaurant and Bar, ordering a pint of Kingfisher and not even finishing it.
It’s a general phenomenon for fans to be so involved in their favorite sport that they want it to unfold their way, but football fans make it a notch more annoying.
A few years ago as I accompanied a few friends to watch what was considered to be an important game between Inter Milan and Milan Supari, I saw with astonishment how people across the lounge club were reacting.
While the rest of the folks were enjoying their game, my mind took me back to a Seinfeld episode:
People come home from these games: “We won, we won!” No, they won, you watched.
Come to think of it these football games aren’t even half as fun as IPL.
There’s no Citi Moment of Success. There’s no strategic timeout.
I have never seen a referee flash a Vodafone Red Card to Rooney, nor have I seen Robin van Persie ever get ready for a Pidilite Penalty Corner.
There are no cover drives that go straight into the goal, and honestly, a sport isn’t a sport if there is no such thing as Drinks Break in it.
I know of many people, who out of sheer shame, have started following football clubs when they cannot tell the difference between Sir Ravindra Drogba and a whale.
I did it for a while only to realize that I am no Beckham fanatic.
I am more like Luther King Jr.; I need to fight this discriminatory discrimination.
I have decided to stand against the flow of the tide and say I am not a football fan.
Somebody had to do it
. Maybe all football haters (Yes, all four of us), can start an anti-racism satyagraha to retain and maintain our self-respect.
I see no other way than to march to Dandi bare-footed, and cut open a football as a sign of protest.
For those interested in joining me in the march, put your money in an envelope and send it to me, so that we can keep it forever.